📍 So you finally said no, and now you feel sick to your stomach. 📍 Today's episode is gonna show you how to stay integrity without swinging into guilt and shut down and over explaining. And it's gonna be a place to come home to for right , after you set the boundary that you are freaking out about.

Hmm. Okay, you just said no to a client. You canceled a call, you push back on a request, you send a message that you were scared to send. I recently did a podcast on boundaries. I've done a couple now I'll link them below. And this episode is for after that aftershock, something that has been incredibly helpful for me to understand.

And the one thing I want you to take away from this episode is that our nervous systems are made to prioritize the status quo. So when a dynamic changes in a relationship, meaning you set a boundary, your body and the body of the other person are going to wanna push back against that, there's gonna be an aftershock.

Meaning that they're going to have thoughts and feelings, emotions and impulses inside that are gonna say, okay, let me like protest or see if I can change it. To go back to the way that things were. In attachment theory, we do see this called protest behavior. There's a really wonderful book called The Dance of Anger that talks about this.

There's a lot of theory around it, a lot of studies. But let's ground into the experience that you're having now. You probably notice that there's a flood of feelings. Maybe you wanna numb them out by having a glass of wine or a chocolate bar. Maybe you're feeling a tight chest, maybe you're feeling really guilty.

There's like a feeling of I shouldn't have done something. I didn't wanna hurt them. Maybe you're afraid that you didn't do it right or, or you haven't done enough. Or maybe you're kind of thinking, I can fix it. I can. Maybe I was overreacting. There's lots of thought action, but. What's happening is that you probably chose to act in a way that was really true for you, and now your body is like, well, wow, that's new.

Was that safe? No, feels like danger even when it's healthy, because a lot of us are socialized, especially as women, into a foreign response, and sometimes it's helpful. I'm not saying that we can't demonize our stress patterns, but most of the time it's not. So this is just a way that your body responds that says, if I keep everyone happy, I will be safe.

I will say no. If I say no, I'll be abandoned. I'll be attacked, I'll be unloved. This has evolutionary drives, meaning that it's been inside of your body for thousands of years, and it has a, a drive to keep you loved and safe and protected. This is formed and enforce in your home, in your kid, and schools in workplaces where conflict is unsafe.

Whereas saying no comes with punishment or withdrawal, or you're just not sure if you can and you'll still be loved. So if you're feeling that hyper vigilance of, did I say it wrong, or this guilt based kind of overexplaining and over functioning, should I follow up and explain? Or if you're collapsing into shutdown, I shouldn't have said anything.

Maybe it's not that bad. You're not crazy. It's a gut. You, you got yourself. This is just your body is behaving the way that it needs to behave, but we're going to address it because you deserve support and you know that when you are not being careful with your time and energy, burnout is inevitable.

You've felt this. You've felt the way that your body screams at you. You've felt the weight of holding emotional labor that's just not yours, and the unnecessary conflict that happens when you explode. So the first thing that we are always doing, which is what we've already been doing for three minutes, is just naming the pattern, ah, naming what's happening in my body.

Ah, this is the foreign response. Ah, this is the pushback. Ah, this is just the danger that my body thinks is occurring, is naming it, is gonna help you regulate it. If you can just name it, this is what it is. So just notice that. What are you feeling in your body?

And breathe. Inhale slowly through your nose for the count of four.

See if you can soften something as you exhale for the count of six,

and do that with me as you keep listening with me just inhaling for four and exhaling for six. We're just bringing your body back into that power of sympathetic space. You've got it. All right. You do have time for this. Nothing has gone wrong, even though your mind is spiraling

and you might notice that you have an attempt or an urge to reach out to another person, but just notice if it's coming from urgency or a place of fear of what happens if you don't get it right.

Maybe ask, is there a part of me that is feeling afraid because I said no,

maybe unworthy,

maybe scared that I'm not good, that I didn't get it right.

And just notice, could you hold this part of you? Could you acknowledge it? Could you affirm it is good? It is right, it is worthy, even if it's difficult to believe, even if there are other parts of you that don't

and stay present. And notice as you sit, if there's another part of you that kind of swings a little bit too far into cold, rigid, and disconnection around boundaries. Notice if it's, if it's coming up and saying, well, I'll just run away so I never have to deal with this. I'll just stop working with people.

Screw it. It's kind of like, almost like that angry. Let them, I just noticed that too, is that. Huh. Both parts of you are here. There's a part that wants to appease and maybe a part that wants to fight. Just another stress response, just another way to deal with perceived danger. And then both are okay because you have space for both of them.

You can stay true and present with yourself.

And that's the practice for today is to notice it and name it, bring it to your therapist, bring it to your journal, bring it to your tools. So my AI has been helping a lot of my clients lately. Because what we're doing, every single one of my clients, every single one of our sessions, is almost that simple question that's quite complex to answer, which is, how can I stay in connection with myself and stay in connection with others?

If you haven't already, go and check out the numerous episodes that I have on boundaries, and I'm really proud of you for doing this work.