What do husbands really really really feel inside and think when they see us bald? Andres and I sit down to talk about how our relationship began, the secret thoughts we have about my alopecia and the real, raw stuff no one’s talking about with hair loss and love.
A man’s perspective on alopecia in women:
When I was younger, I thought that no man would really be able to love me because of my alopecia. When I got my first boyfriend people would say “Oh, you’re so lucky you’ve found a man who loves you even though you have no hair” and my heart would sink. Today, the story is much different and I have a man who is proud of my appearance and my journey to get here. My name is Sheridan and I have Alopecia Universalis. My partner’s name is Andres and this is his perspective on my Alopecia.
In the 4 and a half years we’ve been together, Andres has immersed himself in understanding the experiences of other people and my own. When we were asked about how it affects him emotionally he said: “I don’t think that I struggle with Sheridan not having hair. What I struggle with the most is how it makes her feel sometimes. It’s difficult to see when she’s hurt because it isn’t her fault. Sometimes it’s hard for me to support her because she needs me to understand alopecia to a level that someone who doesn’t have it cant understand. Sometimes what she needs is to speak with someone who DOES have alopecia. ”
“One time I got in an Uber and was chatting driver about Sheridan. The diver asked to see a picture of her and when she saw Sheridan didn’t have hair, she said: Oh, she is very pretty, but isn’t it difficult to be with someone without hair? doesn’t she feel down all the time?’ and I said, “Sometimes she can have her days but it’s not like she’s depressed all the time, I love her and just like you said, she is very pretty”.
When we have alopecia, for some people it can be really hard to find love, and confidence and feel connected to your romantic partner. I’ve learnt that the best thing you can do when you’re grieving your hair/identity/appearance is to ask your partner for what you need and try to understand each other. After that, the best thing you can do is work on your own self-love and owning your confidence and BEAUTY that radiates from the inside. I’ve never met a man to say that I’m not attractive because of my hair – quite the opposite. I attribute this to the confidence I’ve created from the inside.
Andres’ advice to those in relationships who are supporting someone with alopecia would be to approach everything with curiosity and never assume what could or couldn’t be important to your partner. Don’t assume that because they got out bald doesn’t mean they won’t care if they lose their eyelashes – that’s a mistake I made and now I see how important it was to Sheridan. Try not to assume how they’re feeling – just ask.
The words above were recently published in Bald Life Magazine and inspired by your amazing feedback, Andres and I have FINALLY done a Q and A.
The Questions we answer
- How did you meet?
- How long have you been together?
- Did your partner educate themselves on alopecia/treatments or was it mainly on you to explain to them? If they did their own research, any resources he would recommend as someone who is trying to understand? My bf doesn’t know how to start researching and it can be exhausting for me to explain possible treatments, and prognoses, and put my feelings aside to be an unbiased source of info for him. Also, how does he express his feelings to you about it? Would love to hear his struggles as my bf is taking it harder than me. I have a hard time comforting him when I’m the one that wants to be comforted sometimes. Lol.
- What do husbands really really really feel inside and think when they see us bald? And How they cope with that too
- What can a husband or wife do to help with the grief of losing your hair and still make them feel wanted?
- My husband prefers the look on me but it’s the stares and not feeling pretty.
- For him: How much does your partner losing their hair change or affect your intimate attraction to them?
- For her: what are some ways to keep yourself feeling sexy and feminine?
- How did you tell Andres’ family?
- Have there been situations where he felt called to explain something or be defensive on your behalf?
- I have a husband who naturally started losing his hair at age 30 and supported him by not making his hair a big deal and made him feel cherished/ loved /attractive by sharing with him I liked his bald head. When my son was diagnosed with AU 3 years ago… I basically did the same thing. Do you think this approach is helpful? (I looked directly at my son’s eyes when I spoke to him … not directly at his head, even when I sometimes felt like that was difficult at first) Or do you think it’s better to approach things more head-on?
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