“When you’re traumatized, it’s very hard to learn to integrate new experiences. Trauma is not typically rationally processed; it goes into the irrational part of the brain and your body gets locking into a place of constantly reacting as if you’re in a sense of danger.” – Bessel van der Kolk
Andres and I used to be that couple who hid hickeys from co-workers. It was love at first sight and we were joint at the hip. Until my trauma caught up with me and we were catapulted into toxic dynamic that felt like a wave tumbling over us again, and again, and again.
This week is our 5 year anniversary and as I sit next to him, watching The Office and writing this out, I’m smiling thinking about how far we’ve come.
In this episode, I’m sharing my own personal insights, and that of hundreds of hours helping women dive, both feet in, to secure, safe relationships – no matter how imperfect their past has been.
Relationships After Trauma – My Biggest Insights
Embodied Entrepreneur: Anxiety-Free & Profitable Business By Healing Trauma With The Nervous System By Sheridan Ruth Feb 27, 2023
How do you know your past trauma is influencing your current relationship?
- Insecure attachment (avoidant, anxious or disorganised)
- Caretaking and taking responsibility for other people
- Internalising your partners emotions eg only being happy when they are (because of our lack of emotional intimacy and safety within)
- “I can’t trust this is the right decision” – going back and forth
- NS perceives safe as unsafe – the body is reliving the experience because it hasn’t digested the original traumatic experience.
- When we are triggered, the body is experiencing a sense of danger and taking you into a physilogical stress response (fight, flight or freeze), even though ther is no actual danger present. This is not something we choose to do, it automaticaly happens until the trauma is processed through the body and the nervous system reestablishes a sense of safety in teh current environment and learns it is no longer necessary to retrigger a sense of danger and stress response.
- Being impulsive and struggling to emotionally regulate
- Feeling lonely
- Managing uncertainty
- Security and stability might feel unsafe or unattractive
- A lot of asking for reassurance
- Constantly looking for evidence that our partner will hurt or abandon us – often tru of anxoius attachment – we fear abandonment, but tat the core, we fear emotional intimacy because we believe it will lead to hurt. While ap art of us deeply longs to be seen, heard and held… a part of us panis at the thought. Thereofre, we sabotage and act in ways that keep intimacy at arms length.
- Eg. push/pull, testing your partner, looking for validation and affection outside the relationship, stonewalling, being ‘tough’ , Hypervigilance and being suspicious,
How can you heal trauma while in a relationship?
Trauma can be activated no matter how perfect
Some things ONLY heal in relationships – when the rubber meets the road
You’ve got to get the body and nervous system onboard, it’s one thing to logically know something and another to have the body know that it’s safe
Its a combination of building self-worth and holding humulity and care for yourself and your partner through the process
What to do:
- Self regulation. You can start with co-regualtion but self is VERY important. Get regulated – use the EASE method – DM me for the PDF at www.sheridanruth.com/_sheridanruth_ or hello@sheridanruth.com
- Emotional alchemy / regulation and less impulsiveness and urgency- move the energy from the pain above – USE DISCERNMENT we don’t just GO into this.
- What am I aware of? Sensations, emotions, thoughts
- What ELSE am I aware of? Get curious
- Move this energy or allow the energy to be there
- Depending on the trauma we might do some self-compassion, parts or inner child work, or beliefs work, or energy clearing work. It might look like confidence building work and self-trust.
- Expand into the sensations of sitting with the discomfort of what you need and the uncertainty or newness.
- Find relief and follow it.
- Align with your values, your view and yourself and want to embody and experience instead and take a loving action according to that.
- Begin cultivating a sense of relief and safety inside, it’s a skill. It lives in you, come home to it.
What To Do When Triggered – The 6 Step Framework
Isn’t it time you were able to DO something different with the tension and triggers you’re unable to currently manage?!
Could you imagine… that in the moments you’re so pissed off steam could come out of your ears and nose at any moment (like a dragon), you could alchemise those feelings… not only into wisdom… but even pleasure?
As your guide, I bring you a 6-step framework for transforming triggers into authentic connections that will guide you from confusion, tension and emotional turbulence towards clarity, connection and pleasure. Yes, even pleasure.
So you can say bye-bye to anxiety spirals and rumination about how you should be able to fix your relationship – or doubting you’ll be able to creator resolve together.
You’re about to receive a tried and tested framework that works with your mind, body and soul so that you can find the wisdom bubbling below the surface of your big emotions and swimming inbetween the questions in your mind.
Introducing… What To Do When Triggered
A 2 hour workshop, where we bring together the most important aspects of body-based regulation and inner enquiry so that you can spend less time ruminating over your relationships or going back and forth in fights that you’ve had a million times and more time cuddled up on the couch and out dancing with friends.