Not Your Usual Goal Setting Advice. How To Build A Profitable Business With Trauma Healing, Nervous System Regulation And Stress Relief

You’re about to learn:

What to do if you can’t feel into your desires for the future

How to set goals when you’re not motivated by them

The ONE unique way you can stay motivated (when you’re not).

Hit play to embrace a future that aligns with your deepest desires.

Recommended episode:

How The Freeze (and Fawn) Response Sabotages Profitable Business – Poly Vagal Theory Poly Vagal Theory & Stress Relief Training Part 4

The most misunderstood nervous system response – freeze, and fawn. It’s the playground of procrastination, feeling stuck and depression, and even though it’s seen as the hardest state to shift, it’s not impossible. This episode share the missing element of mindset coaching, productivity hacks, therapy and polyvagal theory so you can:

Create sustainable income from your business

Build a somatic game plan, a road map, and a structure to support an increase in income, and ease

Spend more time taking naps, eating tacos and laying in the sun.

Connect on IG and share how you relate to goals:

@_sheridanruth_

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Sheridan: I had to figure this out blindly and it took me years. So let me share it with you in 10 minutes. This is everything you need to know about goal setting from a trauma informed nervous system, friendly lens. You’re about to learn what to do. If you can’t feel your desires, feel into your desires for the future.

[00:00:17] You’re about to learn what to do. If you can’t feel into your desires for the future and how to set goals when you are not motivated by them. Thank you, Erica and Ankita for this, for recommending this episode.

[00:00:29] So. If you want to build a business or you want to be an entrepreneur, it is essential that you practice feeling into the vision and the desires that you want in the future. We need to have a roadmap of where we go. If you are at all ever considering working with me inside of body based business, it is essential that you and I have kind of a goal that we’re working towards getting there.

[00:00:55] We’re going to get there much quicker. Doesn’t have to be the ultimate goal, the forever goal, and the goal can

[00:01:00] change, but we need to have a little bit of a roadmap. We need to kind of have a place to set the GPS towards. And if while we’re getting there, we decide, well, we don’t actually want to go there.

[00:01:09] We want to go somewhere else. It’s okay, but we need to have a starting point and an intentional. Point place where we would like to go. This can be really difficult. Because a lot of us have kind of interesting relationships with golf setting or interesting relationships with feeling into the future.

[00:01:27] So today we’re going to talk about this a little bit. I’m first going to speak about what to do if you can’t really feel into your desires for the future or feel into your, what you would like or your vision. And then I’m going to talk about. Maybe you can feel into that, but you can’t really set goals because one, you’re not motivated by them or two, something else is going on.

[00:01:52] Let’s get into it.[00:02:00]

[00:02:00] A lot of the time we feel that we can’t feel into our vision or our desires for the future, simply because in the past, the nervous system has perceived, Oh, I have felt into a desire of mine and it has consistently not been met. And I have felt consistent shame, disappointment, frustration. Sadness, hopelessness, and therefore what I’ve learned is that I’m just, it’s safer for me not to desire that thing.

[00:02:29] I don’t know, and I perceive that I’m probably not going to get that need met. And so I’m probably not going to. I’m not going to, I’m going to stop asking. We see this a lot, um, in people that have experienced, uh, some type of emotional neglect or lack of attunement, even if your parents were very, very much there.

[00:02:52] A lot of us are coming, you know, kind of. Around like my age, I think, um, a little bit older, we’re coming and we grew [00:03:00] up in a space where there was a staying of like, baby should be seen and not heard. And what the truth is, babies actually do need to be heard because the babies cry. That’s their way of communicating.

[00:03:12] And what they’re trying to communicate is that they need attunement. And a lot of the time when we’re left by our own to cry it out or to sleep, or maybe mom and dad can’t attune to us in the way that we need. Or there are other things happening, you know, maybe there’s a war happening and they’re kind of busy off being with the war or they had to be out working and we’re just, we’re not getting our needs met in the way that we really desire as an infant or as a child, or even as an adolescent eventually because reaching out to our parents and asking for support and expressing our needs and our desires ends in so much pain because they’re not met effectively and efficiently.

[00:03:56] What we do. So you just stop asking. [00:04:00] This kind of is the equivalent of going into a bit of a freeze response. Everything seems fine. We seem quite relaxed probably, but We stopped asking because we perceived that it wasn’t really safe to ask because that caused me pain. And so what we need to do as an adult is start to, we need to do a couple of things.

[00:04:23] One, we need to identify what we can feel in the body. Two, we need to make it safe to think about future goals. And three, we need to start playing around with identifying those goals. So my first question to you, if you were sitting in front of me and I had you as a client, I would just ask, you know, like, what can you feel, right?

[00:04:39] If you think about the future, what, what do you feel? Do you feel numbness? Do you feel resistance? Do you feel fear? Do you feel pain? Whatever it is that you feel, we need to do a practice around that. And we need to do, if you have resistance, we need to do a practice around that. This is something that you and I will go through together inside a body-based business.

[00:04:56] It’s not something that I can. Do right here now on this episode or on an episode [00:05:00] specifically, but you know, we need to do a practice around more. What do you feel? The second thing we need to do is to make it safe to think about these future goals. So part of that is alchemizing, integrating and recognizing the past hurt and feeling that experience in the body until the point where it kind of comes to a maturity and therefore it dissipates.

[00:05:23] So the energy is felt, it runs its entire course through the system. Then naturally or spontaneously it passes and it moves on and it dissipates. We also, that’s a somatic practice that you and I can do together. We also need to start seeing where it is safe to think about the future. So kind of noticing, kind of building up evidence.

[00:05:46] You have a lot of evidence right now, even if you’re not realizing it, you have a, you have a lot of evidence inside of you, uh, that it’s not safe to think about the future. And that’s. [00:06:00] Evidenced by the fact that you’re kind of struggling to do that. And so what we are trying to do is we’re trying to use the power of the organ of your brain to pick up evidence that it is safe to think about the future.

[00:06:19] So when your body experiences something, it creates a belief that helps you then. Mediate your behavior, essentially it helped me creates a belief and then your brain, what your brain’s job is to do is to seek out evidence that enforces that belief so that you can use that system so that you can manage life that works really, really well until your circumstances change.

[00:06:40] And there’s a system inside of the brain. It’s called the reticular activating system, and it essentially just helps us like. Look out for this evidence. So when circumstances change, so all of a sudden now it is safe for you to express your needs because you’re an adult, you’re no longer a baby, you’re no longer an adolescent, you can get your needs met.

[00:06:56] The reticular activating system is still looking for evidence [00:07:00] that it’s not safe to think about the future. So what we want to do, and it makes it hard for us to find evidence for the new belief, which is more based on your reality, but your subconscious body doesn’t know that. So your body doesn’t act like that, which reinforces the belief.

[00:07:15] It’s like this. Yeah. So we want to, we want to work on different levels. We want to work with the body. So the embodied sense of creating feeling, processing the trauma, all of that. And then we’re also going to get the logic brain. Um, On board to start marrying the embodied experience with the reality that you’re in at the moment and getting all parts of your brain on board so that we can see and, and trust and believe that yes, it is actually safe.

[00:07:44] So you’re going to start looking for evidence where it is safe to think about the future. For some of you, that’s actually going to start with like making plans on Thursday for Thursday on Monday. For some of you, it’s hard to make even plans about. Like next week for others of you, it’s gonna [00:08:00] be, can I think about things in five years and can I really feel into that?

[00:08:05] And we’re gonna start feeling and noticing even, oh, like I made a plan to go to a concert in three months and that was okay and I was able to feel into my desire to go to this concert, and then I went to the concert and, and that worked. So you’re going to actually concrete and write. Down and experience and feel in your body.

[00:08:24] Feel that like saying to your body, okay, Sheridan, you had a desire. Like if I do it to myself now, right now, it’s like Sheridan, you have a desire to move to Australia and you did it. And now you are in Australia and you did that. And so I literally will do this to myself. Like sitting and like you did that , and I had this experience with a friend of mine and I was like, oh, I, I did it.

[00:08:55] She’s like, yeah, you did it. And I was like, I started crying. I was like, oh, I did it. You know, that like I, I, I had a

[00:09:00] desire and I pursued it and everything’s okay. And I really mean like coning it in and kind of speaking to yourself in that space and be like, I did it until you feel that settled down into your bones.

[00:09:10] That’s important. The third thing you’re going to do is going to, you’re going to start identifying and like playing and brainstorming with what your goals are. Like be like a child, be like a child experimenting. We know that the curiosity and creativity and playfulness. Uh, states of a regulated nervous system.

[00:09:31] We know that they are states of your true self of your surrendered self. So use that curiosity and that play to start playing and brainstorming like, Ooh, what could my desires be? What could they be? That would be so fun. Like what could they possibly be? How fun. Play with them. Think about them. Fun. Try it on.

[00:09:53] Use other people to inspire you. Um, like. Think about what you were doing as a kid. Start playing [00:10:00] and brainstorming and write them down and feel what that would feel like in your body. See which ones kind of light you up, see which ones feel curious to you and just start kind of identifying them. And from there you’ll begin to notice which ones feel more aligned for you.

[00:10:15] And you can go from there and I won’t take you further on that. That’s maybe another episode, but those, that’s really where you’re going to begin. And this is going to take a little bit of time. It’s okay. Uh, don’t expect it to happen in the first three days. Allow yourself some space to do this, to recap, feel into your body.

[00:10:31] What you can feel, get curious about that. Make it safe to think about future goals, recognize past hurt and see where it is safe to think about the future and start playing and brainstorming with what your goals might be. Now, what do you do if you have these goals, but you’re just like not motivated by them?

[00:10:52] So some of you guys know this cause I spoke about it in another episode. I it’s interesting actually noticing [00:11:00] my own differences that I’ve never been particularly motivated around money. I’m really motivated to serve, I’m really motivated for, for change and impact, but I’ve always really struggled to be motivated around money.

[00:11:12] I think, you know, I used to work in finance and I think this was hard for me because everyone around me was motivated by money. My boss, he would actually try to motivate me on my money and I would be like, Jeremy, like, I don’t know why you’re saying this to me. Like I have no, I don’t care millions of dollars.

[00:11:30] Okay, cool. Like, and I was so much more interested in like, I was like, are these apartment buildings? Do they have like, are they green? Do they have a good heating system? I was more interested in that, than I was in the money of the deal. Uh, and so

[00:11:48] I’m sharing a lot. And so now what I’m trying to say is that now it’s a little bit different. I’ve definitely felt much more neutral and motivated and excited about monetary

[00:12:00] goals, which is interesting. So it’s interesting to be sharing this with you as you guys also witnessed me and my growth. Anyway, so I’ve had to have financial milestones in my business and be realistic about them when I’m not motivated by money.

[00:12:18] And so this is how I’ve done it. I’ve gotten really curious about what does happen around these goals. So this goes for anything, like if you’re going to the gym or whatever. So just, yeah, just get really curious. Like if you were to set a goal that like, maybe you think you want, let’s say it’s 5k months, what does happen around those goals?

[00:12:42] So if you look at that on a piece of paper, what happens in your body? Do you experience thoughts that would like take you towards, I’m afraid of. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do something. I’m afraid I won’t be able to be disciplined enough. I’m afraid mom and dad [00:13:00] will judge me. Or I don’t know. I’m afraid that will like put me into a box.

[00:13:06] I’ll lose my freedom, right? We get really curious about, okay. So if you put a goal, what does happen around it, and we’re going to need to identify and get, we’re going to need to get curious about that. And for a lot of you. For a lot of us, there might be some trauma healing to do around that. Some parts work, some inner child work, and also for some of you, it’s okay if there’s not, you know, I, with when I wasn’t motivated around money and still, I’m not super motivated by it.

[00:13:37] I’m not gonna like make that wrong about myself. I’m just, that’s okay. There are other things in the world that are important. So there is this level of self acceptance that is important and also curiosity. We want to just play with both and get curious, not because we want to change it. Um, we want to change ourselves, but get curious just because we like ourselves and we’re curious to get to know ourselves.

[00:13:59] So we’re walking [00:14:00] that line of self acceptance without forcing ourselves to be different and also getting curious just in case. Maybe there is something that could be easier for you. And then I want you to pick something you’re motivated by.

[00:14:10] Yes. Hi Freya. This is my co host gets to ask all of the questions that I know that you’re probably thinking as you guys build your businesses together. Freya. Yes. We are aware that you are not motivated by goals and here’s the thing, you are motivated by goals. Humans experience dopamine when we, when we achieve goals.

[00:14:33] Like there’s that experience of ticking off your to do list. Your body wants to accomplish something. It’s natural to experience pleasure when we achieve things, to experience excitement when we achieve things. And if we’re not, I would go back and look at how to get yourself out of a free state because that might be a sign.

[00:14:54] That you are in a freeze state. , so if you’re not feeling, if you’re feeling totally hopeless at [00:15:00] the end of this episode, go and have a look at the episode about, oh, you’re freeze. I will link that down below. So yeah, it’s normal. And even, and if, even if you are in the free state, honestly, like.

[00:15:12] Getting things done and achieving things and celebrating and bringing pleasure in is going to be one of the things that gets you out of the free state. So you’re going to want to listen to this anyway. I want you to pick something you are motivated by. You are motivated for things. There are things that motivate you.

[00:15:25] So I’ve identified that I’m motivated by service, like serving people. That makes, gives me a lot of pleasure to, to serve people. Enneagram two here. , so pick something that is motivating to you. Maybe it’s. I don’t know. Tell me what you tell me what it is, but if it’s not money, okay, well, what are you? Is it about developing yourself?

[00:15:43] Is it about, having impact, changing things, helping us get to a new earth? Is it about feeding your kids? You know, what is it? And I want you to pick a bigger goal that you are inspired to achieve. So that might be the vision of something might be getting a horse, it might be buying a car and then it might be.

[00:15:58] Dividing it down into [00:16:00] smaller ones, super, super, super, super, super, super, super small ones, things that you can do every single day. So it’s like, I want to do X, Y, Z, like, and you can use chat, T, B, T, like, this is my goal. Can you divide it down into the smallest things? And then pick the first one. And like all the steps towards the goal and then pick that first step and then divide that down into 20 different items and see if you can get it to be something that you’re going to do every single day that you can tick off your to do list.

[00:16:25] And you then fall in love with the process of moving towards that bigger goal so that we can get that dopamine so that we can get that pleasure so that you can start celebrating yourself as you tick off these smaller things to get to the larger goal. Why do we do that? Because dopamine, pleasure and celebration regulate your nervous system and they make They make, I’ve talked about this a little bit with my clients lately about like, we’re making this a fun experience.

[00:16:48] It’s like, we want to make it a game. We want to make this whole life experience a game, whole business experience a game. So if you can take them off into smaller ones and make it a game of how I’m getting there, you’re going to get to the bigger goal.

[00:17:00] And you can place that bigger goal as the motivation, knowing and making the connection.

[00:17:05] And some of you are going to have to really consciously make this connection of like, every time I spend an email, I’m getting closer to buying a horse, right? That’s option one, or you can pick smaller goals that you are excited about and focusing on achieving them. Notice how in both of them, we’re getting really small.

[00:17:26] So their smaller goal might be, I want to connect with 10 people and tell 10 people about my services. this week. And so your goal this week is to just focus on that. I really encourage small goals. Like maybe it’s like, if I want to serve people, it’s like, I really want to make sure that this podcast gets in the hands of, you know, 10 more people this week.

[00:17:47] Cause that will serve them. That would be something that would motivate me. So pick what, identify what does motivate you and create a goal that is very, very small around that. So it’s like if motivating you

[00:18:00] is being able to buy your child, a new toy, have a thing where every single time that you, write an email in your business, you, uh, get to put 5 towards the toy fund, you know, the college fund, something like that.

[00:18:18] Create a game around it. And I can think of all these things because I’m looking at this hypothetical situation from a regulated nervous system because it’s not my business and I’m not in it. And you know, this is also my job. So at the key, at the end of all of this, it’s getting creative and looking at things with pleasure and fun.

[00:18:35] And just simply saying, how can I make this more fun and how can I make this smaller? And how can I make this easier so that I can lean into more dopamine, more pleasure and more celebration? It’s a game. And you’re going to have to find a way that makes sense for you and start playing. So let me know how this sits with you.

[00:18:54] This is one that I’m really curious to have conversations with about. Uh, I haven’t seen anything like this on the internet or, [00:19:00]

so it would be cool to have some conversations with you guys. Send me a DM about what’s stuck out to you and. What, you know, what you’re going to be experimenting with. I will link my Instagram down below and I cannot wait to hear from you.

[00:19:14]

Once again, if you do notice that you’re feeling really hopeless around this and you’re just kind of entering into that freeze response, please go ahead and check out the episode that will. Also be linked down below on how to get out of that freeze response and how to identify it and how you can support yourself in getting out of a freeze response so that you can come back with creativity and patience and perspective so that you can build your business with less anxiety.

[00:19:39]